Constantly my thoughts, emotions, doubts, and fears are running through my mind. Sitting on a mat most of my day keeps me questioning myself. Why am I here? Am I following someone else’s path? Will I ever feel God running through my body? Will I ever shut off my mind in meditation and open my heart up? Do I believe in God? If I’m unsure will I ever move forward here?
India is the most spiritual place I’ve ever experienced. All day long I see hundreds of devotees pray, thank, and meditate to statues, to chants, to surrounding people and love God unconditionally. They believe God is everywhere and everything. Today my teacher talked about this. That nobody here is pushing you towards a religion or a certain God. And that’s entirely true, though I’m not sure about my feelings toward a higher power. I find myself praying all the time, but usually it’s to a friend or family member back home. And for now I think that’s ok. I don’t want just throw my hands up and say I believe because I’m suppose to in yoga. I know it sounds corny but I want a sign or a feeling. I’m not asking for something tangible, but I want to feel God in my heart on my own. And if it happens maybe everything will fall in to place. In yoga we are suppose to expect the best, be prepared for the worst, give 100%, and let the results take care of themselves. We are suppose to accept God’s grace with reverence and devotion and always make the right choices, which will result in positive results later in this life or in our future lives.
Everyday I take all this in. I’m not preaching to anyone reading this (anyone who knows me knows I’m not a religious person) I just want to share my feelings and share what I am learning in my time here. I’m going to continue to try and keep my mind silent and hopefully next week I’ll have some progress to share with you. For now I’m going to try to stop thinking where will I go after this, when I’ll come home, what I’ll do after I come home, and on and on. I need to live every moment in the present, stop dwelling the past (it’s only wasted energy) and open my heart to this beautiful country.
all my love. shanti.